Life's Hard Lessons

"Mommy, do hamsters go to heaven?". Crash looked at me with tears running down his face.

Crash's piano teacher had given him two adorable little hamsters for Christmas, Crunchie and Munchie. They had belonged to her for a while, but she wanted him to have them. It was love at first sight for Crash. He's turned out to be a very good pet owner. The rest of us have come to love them and their cute antics, as well. They each have their own little personality and likes and dislikes. One likes fresh carrots, the other one prefers plain, raw almonds. Much to the kids' amusement and my frustration, they both kick the food they hate out of the cage and onto the schoolroom floor in search of the sunflower seeds they love.

Today is supposed to be a happy day for Crash, his ninth birthday, but instead, it quickly turned bleak when I checked on his hamster Crunchie, and gasped. A few weeks ago, we'd noticed Crunchie had about a marble-sized lump on his back. It appeared out of nowhere. He seemed to be his happy hamster self, though. I decided that except for checking to make sure they had food and water, I wouldn't look at him for a week or so so I could clearly see if there was any change in the lump. Crash decided to give them a few almonds for treats this afternoon and asked me to have a look at Crunchie. When I pulled back the little handkerchief they sleep under, I was startled. The lump is now the size of two peach pits put together. For a tiny little hamster, that's pretty significant. He still doesn't seem to be suffering, but at the rate the lump is growing, I can't imagine that will be the case for very long.

that lump shouldn't be there.

I held Crash while he cried and gave him Matthew 10:29: "Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? And one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father." I said, "think about how much God loves you, Crash; yet the Bible says he sees and notices even the smallest animals. He knows all about Crunchie". That seemed to calm him a little. He took a shuddering breath and asked me what we were going to do. His pinched, worried little face watched me while I thought. I couldn't stand to see even a hamster suffer. If he were in the wild in his current state, a larger animal would come along and end it for him. That's the design of things. He's protected in his little cage in our house. Nothing's going to come along and put him out of his misery when he hits that point. Crash seemed to know when I reached my decision. His face crumpled and he fell into me again sobbing. I held him for a while longer and then asked all the kids to leave the room so I could call the vet. Crash quietly crept in while I was on the phone with the receptionist and was silently listening in. He watched while I wrote the appointment date and time down. I made the mistake of looking directly at his face and then I started crying. That poor receptionist... . I got through it and ended the call. The appointment is for this coming Tuesday at 10:00. Crash dried his tears and straightened up. He looked at me and said, "I want to be with him when it happens. I don't want him alone with strangers". He quietly fed Crunchie another treat and watched him for a while.
Life and death is such a hard lesson and one inevitably learned early on when you have pets. It hurts to see your kids suffering, but at the same time, I think it's one of those life experiences that helps them mature, too. It's kind of symbolic, I guess, that it happened on his birthday, I just hope that this isn't what he thinks of when he looks back on this day.

Crash's Story

Each of my kids came into this world in their own, unique way. Crash was no different. He's the one who always keeps us on our toes around here. He's been that way from even before the very first breath he took.
Goober was finally into the manageable "older" toddler stage and my husband was getting ready to graduate college when we decided it was time to add to our family. I had an uneventful pregnancy (except for being bone-tired). I can still sing every single song from the early Veggie Tales movies. Most days in those first couple of months, I would baby- gate off the kitchen and hallway, deadbolt the door of our apartment, lock the sliding glass door to the balcony (those of you who know my kids know why) and pop in a Veggie Tales (VHS!) video, dump some toys onto the floor with his blanket and pillow and a sippy cup and collapse onto the couch for a nap. Occasionally, I'd shoot up, hurdle the baby-gate and lose my breakfast. Good times ;).
Eventually, the tiredness and morning-sickness eased up and I was able to get out more to take Goober on walks and to the playground. I was so happy with my little family and things were going great. My husband graduated that winter and almost immediately found a job in Indianapolis. Given that this was almost two years after 9-11 and things were still a bit unstable, his getting a job right out of the gate in his field was amazing. That also meant a move. We quickly found another apartment in Indy and made the move. At that point, I was 36 or 37 weeks pregnant. I called around trying to find a new OB, but nobody would take me that late in the game. I shrugged it off and figured "well, when it's time, we'll go to the hospital and SOMEONE will have to deliver this baby!". It was a crazy time for us. A relocation, a new job, a new baby; we'd found a new church and were trying to get acclimated to our new area. We'd barely gotten the basics un-packed by week 40 when I woke up on a Saturday and felt "off". I was having some lower back pain and tightening in my stomach. We waited a few hours to see what happened and it didn't stop, so, we grabbed my bag and Goober and my husband took us off to the hospital. We ended up getting sent home with "false labor". UGH. Early Sunday morning, I woke up feeling uneasy. I'd had a monster sinus infection for weeks. I didn't want to take anything because of the baby, so I was miserable. My head was pounding, I couldn't breathe and ran a fever off and on for a couple of weeks. It's hard to sleep when you can't breathe. I lay there watching the sun come up and trying not to disturb my husband. Eventually, I was uncomfortable enough to turn over and then I heard an audible POP and then there was a gush. My exact thought was, "false labor, huh? Pfffttt!" I woke my husband up and awkwardly got everything together again. Things get a little fuzzy after that (weeks of very little sleep, remember), but I think we waited for my mom and sister to arrive to take care of Goober before we took off for the hospital. I think. I remember getting there and getting settled into a room. It was a teaching hospital and I got gawked at by a ton of residents parading in and out. Not having learned my lesson the first time, I stupidly opted for another epidural. Guess what? Once again, they hit several nerves. I vowed in that bed that any subsequent babies would be totally epidural-free. The good thing was, I had normal labor this time, not back labor and it actually worked that time. The pain gone, I was able to sneak in a couple of "kind of" naps.
Eventually, a nurse deemed it "time". All of a sudden, it seemed there were dozens of people in my room. If it weren't a teaching hospital, I'd have been a little nervous about that. Things went very quickly. Crash made his entrance just a few minutes after that. There was a triumphant "It's a boy!" and we smiled. The baby hadn't let us peek there at the four-month-ultrasound and because of all the upheaval, we hadn't had any others and didn't know the sex of the baby. I knew in my heart he was a boy, though. I shot an "I-told-you-so-smile" at my husband. Something wasn't right, though. He wasn't crying. Once I re-focused, I realized the room had gone eerily quiet. There were several nurses/students around me and I craned my neck to try and see Crash. I said, "what's wrong?" I got a pat on the arm and a "nothing, honey". Suddenly, the air in the room was charged and instead of quiet, people were flying around. I sat up and said, "what's wrong with my baby?!" A couple of nurses came over and tried to placate me again and I said, "NO! Tell me what's wrong!" One of them finally met my eyes and said, "he's just having a little trouble taking his first breath, that's all. Sometimes the epidural can make them kind of sluggish". That's ALL?! It had already been who knows how many minutes. It felt like an eternity. I knew that after seven minutes without oxygen, the brain starts to die. I heard someone mutter "intubate" and I felt my body go cold all over and my heart dropped like a rock. I know I was holding my breath. I remember them talking about tubes while they rubbed on Crash and tried to stimulate him. As they were getting ready to intubate, he took a deep gulp of air and began to breathe and cry quietly. He sounded like a kitten. A cheer went up and I started breathing again. Once they were sure he was okay and breathing well, they placed him in my arms. He had a blueish/gray tint all over. His lips were purple. His little hands and feet were purple. They stayed that way for two days. Just like with Goober, I opted to have him room in. I wasn't letting him out of my sight! I woke up from dozing once, early in the morning to find a Dr. and a bunch of residents standing around my bed and his isolette. The Dr. smiled and asked if it was okay if he asked some questions. I said, "sure". He asked me some basics and then asked, "are you going to have him circumcised? Having already fought that battle when Goober was born, I raised myself up, looked him in the eye and prepared for round two. I firmly said, "absolutely not". He smiled and said, "good!" and noted something on his clipboard. I saw several of the residents look at him with surprised looks on their faces and he led them out. I hope that today, there are several more open-minded Dr.'s out there who will respect a mother's right to make that choice for her son.
Crash was such a good baby! He fit into our family seamlessly and hardly ever fussed. I was amazed at the difference from when Goober was a baby. Sometime around one-and-a-half, though, he began watching his brother. He began to get a glint in his eye. Soon, Goober had a partner in crime and the two of them were wreaking havoc on our house! Goober taught him everything he knew, and Crash was a good student. Diapers were flung at walls (they discovered that early morning wet diapers absolutely EXPLODE when they hit the wall. Bathrooms were flooded, I was locked out of the house, messes were made... . Those early years are a blur for me, really. I came to equate hysterical giggling with, "here we go again". We bought baby gates like clockwork- always looking for the one gate they couldn't thwart or scale. I don't think we ever did find one ;).
The years have flown by and while Goober has finally settled down, Crash has taken up the cause and soldiered on, filling our lives with color and excitement. There is never a dull day when he's around. While he's definitely our wild-child, he's also my biggest cuddler. It seems like such a contradiction, but that's what makes him special. Crash gives the best snuggles you've ever had. He seems to be all-boy, full-steam ahead, but he has the biggest heart, especially when it comes to the ones he cares about. Every now and then, he'll slow down and open up and show us what a tender heart he has. I'm not sure what the future holds for Crash, but I'm sure whatever it is, he'll charge head-long into it and give it everything he's got ;).
Happy 9th Birthday, Evan Ryan, we love you so much!

I Love a Good Roller Coaster Ride, But...

My kids have always been extremely healthy. Honestly, I don't think a day goes by where I don't send up a thanks for that. They may get whatever plague du jour is going around, but it's always just a touch and they're fine by the next day. Ear infections are unheard of in our house. Believe me, I'm thankful.
So when my daughter sat on my lap one night two weeks ago and looked up just right, I was startled to realize that almost her entire left nostril is closed off. I looked closer and my heart stopped. There was some kind of lump... or growth or... something in my baby girl's nose. Now, when I think lump, I think "cancer". In this day and age, that's just where my mind goes. So, to say I was scared would be putting it mildly. Of course, it was also a Friday night. I fretted and prayed and cried and prayed and begged and cried some more every time I had a moment alone. Princess caught me staring at her more than once and began to get self-conscious. "What, Mommy???"
Of course, I spent hours on Google trying to find another "lump" like hers to compare to try and figure out what I was dealing with. It didn't fit the description of a "polyp" and she doesn't have allergies to irritate the lining of her nose. Nothing fit and that scared me more. I deal with things by arming myself with information. Not knowing what I'm up against is the scariest thing for me.
Finally, Monday morning came and I made an appointment. I was relieved and alarmed when the receptionist responded with, "oh, dear", put me on hold to consult with the pediatrician and told me they wanted to see her that day. In the shower that morning, I prayed and cried some more. "Please, Lord, let it be something simple, let it be something we can fix. Please don't let it be that. I don't want any of the kids to ever be in pain and I couldn't take losing one of my babies".
Since my husband's car is out of service, he had taken mine to work that morning and I didn't remember until after I'd hung up. I called him at work and he arranged with his boss to leave early and take her to her appointment. That was a LONG two hours.
They finally walked in the door and I pounced on my husband for information. He told me the Ped. had said it looked to her like a deviated septum, but that she just wasn't sure and was going to refer us to an ear, nose and throat Dr. . I felt such an intense relief I can't even describe it. I knew what that was!!! I jumped on the computer and Googled for pictures of deviated septum. "YES!!! That looks JUST LIKE Princess's nose!! Josh! Come here and look at this! That's all it is, she's okay!" The "up-nose" shots I found looked just like my daughter's lump and even the outsides of their noses looked like hers. She's had a strange bump in her nose that suddenly appeared when she was about a year old. Josh told me the Ped. had asked him if she'd had any injuries to her nose recently. He couldn't remember anything, but I remembered a day when she was a baby when I'd walked into the living room and the side of her nose was an alarming blue/purple. Being that she was my third baby, wasn't bleeding or crying, I decided, "no blood, no foul". I figured her toddler brother had probably pegged her in the nose with a toy. It wasn't until some time after that, though, that I noticed her nose had gone a little asymmetrical when it had been fine before. It didn't bother me much and I never connected the dots until he'd said that.
We had her ENT appt. today. I liked the Dr. right off the bat. He had a very soothing southern accent and was very kind and didn't talk down his nose (that's a big no-no with me as far as Dr.'s are concerned. I may not have gone to medical school, but I'm not an idiot, either). He put Princess at ease and I followed suit. The second he put his little flashlight to her nose, he said, "yep! Deviated septum!" He then proceeded to tell me that my little girl had no idea what it was like to breathe freely through her nose. Her nostril is 90% blocked. Try plugging one side of your nose and breathing. I did and I felt HORRIBLE that she's been living like this. Amazingly, she's my ONE child who consistently remembers to chew with her mouth closed when she's the ONE child who's had every excuse to leave it open. We've all had a bad cold and been completely miserable not being able to breathe. It drives me nuts for just a few days, but my sweet daughter has NEVER complained once in seven years. Being that her nose has such a severe blockage, he suggested surgery (Ahhhhh!). He explained that he'd put her under and it would be a "conservative" procedure since she's still a small child and still growing and her facial features have a long way to go before adulthood. That being the case, he said he probably won't even have to use packing- just apply an ointment for a few days and then have a follow-up check up about a week later barring any complications.
While he was explaining the surgery, I would catch Princess looking at me out of the corner of my eye, alternately smiling and frowning. I thought maybe he was scaring her with his talk of surgery, so whenever I saw her frown, I would turn and give her a big, bright smile (see? Mommy's not afraid! There's nothing to worry about! I'm smiling!!!). Later, in the car on the way home, I decided to feel her out and asked her what she thought of having surgery. She gasped and said, "SURGERY? I HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY????? I said, "yes, I thought you heard the doctor talking about it?" She smiled dreamily and said, "oh! I was wondering if he had a treasure box and what might be in it! See, Crash? I got this pretty pink bracelet. Next time, I'll get you the soldier guy I saw in there".
Crash leaned forward and said, "Mommy? Can I go in there with her? I don't want her to be in there all alone. ". I said, "Oh, buddy, you can't be in there when they're doing it, you aren't allowed. You'll probably stay home with one of us while the other one goes to be with Princess." His voice started trembling and he said, "but I have to, I just have to. What if she's scared?" I looked back and his face had gone pale and there were tears in his eyes. Of course, that set off my waterworks. I explained that she wouldn't know anything while she was under and when it was over, she'd wake up in recovery with me by her side. He settled down a bit, but I heard him whisper in her ear, "I'll be there, Princess. I'll be there in the waiting room when you wake up. I won't let you be alone."

Grown-ups Can Learn Lessons, Too

" A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." Proverbs 15:1.

This verse is one that has always stuck in the forefront of my mind and I've always tried to utilize it when I'm faced with conflict with another person. It has always worked. I've even had it used on me when I get in a snit over something and my calm, rational, even-tempered (wonderful) husband keeps his cool and talks me down from whatever's gotten me all wound up.

I try to always be as decent as I can to people- "treat others as you'd like to be treated, right?". It's usually not hard. I was blessed with my mom's extra-long fuse, but I definitely have my dad's hot temper. Not many people have been witness to my temper and I'd prefer it to stay that way. I usually seethe in silence over personal slights and then get over it, but there are a few things that can circumvent that long fuse and have me seeing red instantly. The main one is when I feel my children are being threatened. Nobody messes with my kids, period. I know I'm not alone in that, but I know that being so quick to anger isn't a good thing, either.
This morning started like most weekday mornings for us, I stumbled into the kitchen to pour my coffee and get breakfast for the kids so they could get started on school. I realized that the woodsmoke I'd smelled the night before had gotten MUCH stronger. We have a few neighbors that burn wood for heat, so I hadn't thought much of it then, but it was so strong, I looked out the window. The property next to us had three very large bonfires going and the wind was blowing the smoke right across our pasture and toward our house. I made sure all the windows were shut up tight and we tried to get into our day, but before long, the house was all smoky and it was just over-whelming. It was making me nauseous and Princess started saying her head hurt. I probably could've dealt with it if it were just me, but I thought, "if it's making me feel this awful, what's it doing to my kids?". I got annoyed. We tried to ignore it but before long, Goober had a headache, too and my throat was sore and my lungs were feeling tight. I decided enough was enough and told the kids to all take quick showers and get dressed. I decided we would pack up our schoolbooks and drive somewhere upwind to do our schoolwork. It was a pretty nice day for January and we couldn't stay here. As we were going out to the car, I realized all that smoke was blowing right over our dogs' enclosure. They were burrowed under their doghouse trying to stay out of it. Now, our dogs are Huskies and are very strong. I can't handle both their leashes at once, so I figured I'd just leash them and bring them inside the house one at a time where the smoke wasn't as bad. I got the leash on Lily and was bringing her up when Kody nosed the gate open and took off like a shot. He was just a fading spot in the distance by the time my oldest son and I reached the end of the driveway. We ran after him and searched for about half an hour all the while inhaling much more smoke than we had been inside the house. I finally called to Goober and had him come back up to the house. At this point, I was angry and frustrated. I called my husband at work to let him know what was happening and then got the kids in the car to go search for Kody. As we were pulling away, Princess yelled, "there he is! " He had come back up the back way and was on our porch. I grabbed his collar and hugged him all the while yelling at him. I put him in the house and emailed my husband to let him know and then I packed a quick lunch for the kids and we left. Originally, I'd had every intention of just driving somewhere quiet so the kids could work, but by this point, I was angry and looking for someone to take it out on. Who better than the one who'd started this whole mess??? I jumped in the car and pulled into the nearest driveway that looked like it would give me access back to where the fires were. The owner of the house was outside and I got out to talk to him. It wasn't on his property, but the property adjacent that happened to wind back behind his. He was very kind and sympathetic and suggested I call the fire dept. to get a complaint on record. His whole demeanor was like a balm on a red-hot burn and I calmed down considerably after taking to him. I went back home to call and discovered my husband already had... and had been told to call the town supervisor. My temper started to rise again- a run-around! My husband called then and told me he'd talked to the town supervisor (whom he actually knows a little) and she said there was nothing that could be done because the permit wasn't issued by the town, it had been issued by the DEP. Her house is down-wind, too and she told him she understood, but her hands were tied. GRRR! I decided we still needed to leave the house because it wasn't letting up. As I began driving, I once again felt compelled to give the person/s responsible a piece of my mind. This time, I pulled in to the construction site, as far as I could and sat. I thought about getting out and walking right up to his Bobcat, but there was a stream to cross. I had no good way of getting over there. Instead, I sat in my car and shot what I hoped were lethal death looks his way while trying to get the kids to work. He looked up a few times. I know he saw me, but continued to feed trees and brush to the fires. I felt my jaw clench. He was ignoring me!!! We sat there for about half an hour before I decided I needed to focus on the kids' schoolwork. We drove down the road a ways and finally found a quiet place with plenty of fresh air. My chest was still tight and I sat and seethed.
A couple of hours later, it was time to head into the town where my husband works to meet him for dinner since going home wasn't an option. On the way, I noticed the man's truck was now parked up where I had sat only a couple of hours previously. I pulled in next to his truck and thought, "it's getting dark, he'll have to quit soon and if he wants to get into his truck, he'll have to talk to me". Once again, I sat and stared. Again, he looked up several times but then went right back to feeding the fires. Finally, he turned the Bobcat and slowly began coming our way. He got closer and closer until he was up on level ground with our vehicles. He drove straight at me, staring me down through his cab. I thought, "he's playing chicken! Fine, buddy, I'M not moving!" He stopped very close to my car and brought the bucket down about two feet from my windshield. He slowwwly climbed down out of the cab. I opened my door. I heard Crash say, "what's she doing?!". Princess said, "she's going to give that man a piece of her mind." I looked back at my kids and all three of them wore identical expressions, they were worried. I felt a twinge of guilt for dragging them into my fight. He was walking toward me and drawled, "what can I do for you, young lady?" He looked like my grandpa. He looked like somebody's grandpa. Just a kind old man. I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest. I said, "Hi, I'm your neighbor- white house, green roof". I jerked my thumb in a general "north" direction. He looked at me and shrugged. I said, "right there, that white house? It's full of smoke, and so are my kids". He drawled, "I don't doubt it". I tried again, "Can you give me an idea of when you're going to be done burning all that stuff? I'm home with my kids all day and our house is full of smoke. We had to leave, it's just too much". He said again, "I don't doubt it. I figured I'd hear from someone today. The wind wasn't blowin' yesterday, but it sure is today. Today. Today's the last day. It'll burn itself out tonight and then it's done. I won't be back". I realized then he had probably just been contracted out to do it. He wasn't even the property owner. I started to thaw a little bit. I said, "thank you. I'm sorry, it's just that my kids... ". Then I started to choke up (I hate that!). His expression softened. He no longer looked defensive. He said, "I understand, I got kids myself. I was just doin' my job and I'm done after today". I stood there with stupid tears in my eyes, unable to talk and just looked at him. He said, "I knew there was an angry young lady sitting up here. You should've come 'n talked to me." I threw my hands up and said, 'I would have, but I didn't know how to get across that stupid stream!!". He laughed and squeezed my shoulder and said, "so you won't hold it against me? You're not still mad at me?" All the wind went out of my sails and I smiled and said, "no, and thank you". He squeezed my shoulder again and said, "alright, then, young lady, you have a good rest of your day". I waved and said, "thank you, you, too". When I turned around to walk back to my car, all three of my kids were smiling. As we drove away, Princess said, "see, Mommy?! He was really a nice man! You just needed to talk to him." How much smoother would my day have gone if I had just gone directly to him in the first place instead of continuing to work myself into a bigger and bigger lather?
My kids didn't get much of their schoolwork done, today, but this Mommy learned a valuable lesson. Remember to be slow to anger and try to remember to give people the benefit of the doubt. Perceived injustices are often just that- perceived.