Crash's Story

Each of my kids came into this world in their own, unique way. Crash was no different. He's the one who always keeps us on our toes around here. He's been that way from even before the very first breath he took.
Goober was finally into the manageable "older" toddler stage and my husband was getting ready to graduate college when we decided it was time to add to our family. I had an uneventful pregnancy (except for being bone-tired). I can still sing every single song from the early Veggie Tales movies. Most days in those first couple of months, I would baby- gate off the kitchen and hallway, deadbolt the door of our apartment, lock the sliding glass door to the balcony (those of you who know my kids know why) and pop in a Veggie Tales (VHS!) video, dump some toys onto the floor with his blanket and pillow and a sippy cup and collapse onto the couch for a nap. Occasionally, I'd shoot up, hurdle the baby-gate and lose my breakfast. Good times ;).
Eventually, the tiredness and morning-sickness eased up and I was able to get out more to take Goober on walks and to the playground. I was so happy with my little family and things were going great. My husband graduated that winter and almost immediately found a job in Indianapolis. Given that this was almost two years after 9-11 and things were still a bit unstable, his getting a job right out of the gate in his field was amazing. That also meant a move. We quickly found another apartment in Indy and made the move. At that point, I was 36 or 37 weeks pregnant. I called around trying to find a new OB, but nobody would take me that late in the game. I shrugged it off and figured "well, when it's time, we'll go to the hospital and SOMEONE will have to deliver this baby!". It was a crazy time for us. A relocation, a new job, a new baby; we'd found a new church and were trying to get acclimated to our new area. We'd barely gotten the basics un-packed by week 40 when I woke up on a Saturday and felt "off". I was having some lower back pain and tightening in my stomach. We waited a few hours to see what happened and it didn't stop, so, we grabbed my bag and Goober and my husband took us off to the hospital. We ended up getting sent home with "false labor". UGH. Early Sunday morning, I woke up feeling uneasy. I'd had a monster sinus infection for weeks. I didn't want to take anything because of the baby, so I was miserable. My head was pounding, I couldn't breathe and ran a fever off and on for a couple of weeks. It's hard to sleep when you can't breathe. I lay there watching the sun come up and trying not to disturb my husband. Eventually, I was uncomfortable enough to turn over and then I heard an audible POP and then there was a gush. My exact thought was, "false labor, huh? Pfffttt!" I woke my husband up and awkwardly got everything together again. Things get a little fuzzy after that (weeks of very little sleep, remember), but I think we waited for my mom and sister to arrive to take care of Goober before we took off for the hospital. I think. I remember getting there and getting settled into a room. It was a teaching hospital and I got gawked at by a ton of residents parading in and out. Not having learned my lesson the first time, I stupidly opted for another epidural. Guess what? Once again, they hit several nerves. I vowed in that bed that any subsequent babies would be totally epidural-free. The good thing was, I had normal labor this time, not back labor and it actually worked that time. The pain gone, I was able to sneak in a couple of "kind of" naps.
Eventually, a nurse deemed it "time". All of a sudden, it seemed there were dozens of people in my room. If it weren't a teaching hospital, I'd have been a little nervous about that. Things went very quickly. Crash made his entrance just a few minutes after that. There was a triumphant "It's a boy!" and we smiled. The baby hadn't let us peek there at the four-month-ultrasound and because of all the upheaval, we hadn't had any others and didn't know the sex of the baby. I knew in my heart he was a boy, though. I shot an "I-told-you-so-smile" at my husband. Something wasn't right, though. He wasn't crying. Once I re-focused, I realized the room had gone eerily quiet. There were several nurses/students around me and I craned my neck to try and see Crash. I said, "what's wrong?" I got a pat on the arm and a "nothing, honey". Suddenly, the air in the room was charged and instead of quiet, people were flying around. I sat up and said, "what's wrong with my baby?!" A couple of nurses came over and tried to placate me again and I said, "NO! Tell me what's wrong!" One of them finally met my eyes and said, "he's just having a little trouble taking his first breath, that's all. Sometimes the epidural can make them kind of sluggish". That's ALL?! It had already been who knows how many minutes. It felt like an eternity. I knew that after seven minutes without oxygen, the brain starts to die. I heard someone mutter "intubate" and I felt my body go cold all over and my heart dropped like a rock. I know I was holding my breath. I remember them talking about tubes while they rubbed on Crash and tried to stimulate him. As they were getting ready to intubate, he took a deep gulp of air and began to breathe and cry quietly. He sounded like a kitten. A cheer went up and I started breathing again. Once they were sure he was okay and breathing well, they placed him in my arms. He had a blueish/gray tint all over. His lips were purple. His little hands and feet were purple. They stayed that way for two days. Just like with Goober, I opted to have him room in. I wasn't letting him out of my sight! I woke up from dozing once, early in the morning to find a Dr. and a bunch of residents standing around my bed and his isolette. The Dr. smiled and asked if it was okay if he asked some questions. I said, "sure". He asked me some basics and then asked, "are you going to have him circumcised? Having already fought that battle when Goober was born, I raised myself up, looked him in the eye and prepared for round two. I firmly said, "absolutely not". He smiled and said, "good!" and noted something on his clipboard. I saw several of the residents look at him with surprised looks on their faces and he led them out. I hope that today, there are several more open-minded Dr.'s out there who will respect a mother's right to make that choice for her son.
Crash was such a good baby! He fit into our family seamlessly and hardly ever fussed. I was amazed at the difference from when Goober was a baby. Sometime around one-and-a-half, though, he began watching his brother. He began to get a glint in his eye. Soon, Goober had a partner in crime and the two of them were wreaking havoc on our house! Goober taught him everything he knew, and Crash was a good student. Diapers were flung at walls (they discovered that early morning wet diapers absolutely EXPLODE when they hit the wall. Bathrooms were flooded, I was locked out of the house, messes were made... . Those early years are a blur for me, really. I came to equate hysterical giggling with, "here we go again". We bought baby gates like clockwork- always looking for the one gate they couldn't thwart or scale. I don't think we ever did find one ;).
The years have flown by and while Goober has finally settled down, Crash has taken up the cause and soldiered on, filling our lives with color and excitement. There is never a dull day when he's around. While he's definitely our wild-child, he's also my biggest cuddler. It seems like such a contradiction, but that's what makes him special. Crash gives the best snuggles you've ever had. He seems to be all-boy, full-steam ahead, but he has the biggest heart, especially when it comes to the ones he cares about. Every now and then, he'll slow down and open up and show us what a tender heart he has. I'm not sure what the future holds for Crash, but I'm sure whatever it is, he'll charge head-long into it and give it everything he's got ;).
Happy 9th Birthday, Evan Ryan, we love you so much!

I Love a Good Roller Coaster Ride, But...

My kids have always been extremely healthy. Honestly, I don't think a day goes by where I don't send up a thanks for that. They may get whatever plague du jour is going around, but it's always just a touch and they're fine by the next day. Ear infections are unheard of in our house. Believe me, I'm thankful.
So when my daughter sat on my lap one night two weeks ago and looked up just right, I was startled to realize that almost her entire left nostril is closed off. I looked closer and my heart stopped. There was some kind of lump... or growth or... something in my baby girl's nose. Now, when I think lump, I think "cancer". In this day and age, that's just where my mind goes. So, to say I was scared would be putting it mildly. Of course, it was also a Friday night. I fretted and prayed and cried and prayed and begged and cried some more every time I had a moment alone. Princess caught me staring at her more than once and began to get self-conscious. "What, Mommy???"
Of course, I spent hours on Google trying to find another "lump" like hers to compare to try and figure out what I was dealing with. It didn't fit the description of a "polyp" and she doesn't have allergies to irritate the lining of her nose. Nothing fit and that scared me more. I deal with things by arming myself with information. Not knowing what I'm up against is the scariest thing for me.
Finally, Monday morning came and I made an appointment. I was relieved and alarmed when the receptionist responded with, "oh, dear", put me on hold to consult with the pediatrician and told me they wanted to see her that day. In the shower that morning, I prayed and cried some more. "Please, Lord, let it be something simple, let it be something we can fix. Please don't let it be that. I don't want any of the kids to ever be in pain and I couldn't take losing one of my babies".
Since my husband's car is out of service, he had taken mine to work that morning and I didn't remember until after I'd hung up. I called him at work and he arranged with his boss to leave early and take her to her appointment. That was a LONG two hours.
They finally walked in the door and I pounced on my husband for information. He told me the Ped. had said it looked to her like a deviated septum, but that she just wasn't sure and was going to refer us to an ear, nose and throat Dr. . I felt such an intense relief I can't even describe it. I knew what that was!!! I jumped on the computer and Googled for pictures of deviated septum. "YES!!! That looks JUST LIKE Princess's nose!! Josh! Come here and look at this! That's all it is, she's okay!" The "up-nose" shots I found looked just like my daughter's lump and even the outsides of their noses looked like hers. She's had a strange bump in her nose that suddenly appeared when she was about a year old. Josh told me the Ped. had asked him if she'd had any injuries to her nose recently. He couldn't remember anything, but I remembered a day when she was a baby when I'd walked into the living room and the side of her nose was an alarming blue/purple. Being that she was my third baby, wasn't bleeding or crying, I decided, "no blood, no foul". I figured her toddler brother had probably pegged her in the nose with a toy. It wasn't until some time after that, though, that I noticed her nose had gone a little asymmetrical when it had been fine before. It didn't bother me much and I never connected the dots until he'd said that.
We had her ENT appt. today. I liked the Dr. right off the bat. He had a very soothing southern accent and was very kind and didn't talk down his nose (that's a big no-no with me as far as Dr.'s are concerned. I may not have gone to medical school, but I'm not an idiot, either). He put Princess at ease and I followed suit. The second he put his little flashlight to her nose, he said, "yep! Deviated septum!" He then proceeded to tell me that my little girl had no idea what it was like to breathe freely through her nose. Her nostril is 90% blocked. Try plugging one side of your nose and breathing. I did and I felt HORRIBLE that she's been living like this. Amazingly, she's my ONE child who consistently remembers to chew with her mouth closed when she's the ONE child who's had every excuse to leave it open. We've all had a bad cold and been completely miserable not being able to breathe. It drives me nuts for just a few days, but my sweet daughter has NEVER complained once in seven years. Being that her nose has such a severe blockage, he suggested surgery (Ahhhhh!). He explained that he'd put her under and it would be a "conservative" procedure since she's still a small child and still growing and her facial features have a long way to go before adulthood. That being the case, he said he probably won't even have to use packing- just apply an ointment for a few days and then have a follow-up check up about a week later barring any complications.
While he was explaining the surgery, I would catch Princess looking at me out of the corner of my eye, alternately smiling and frowning. I thought maybe he was scaring her with his talk of surgery, so whenever I saw her frown, I would turn and give her a big, bright smile (see? Mommy's not afraid! There's nothing to worry about! I'm smiling!!!). Later, in the car on the way home, I decided to feel her out and asked her what she thought of having surgery. She gasped and said, "SURGERY? I HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY????? I said, "yes, I thought you heard the doctor talking about it?" She smiled dreamily and said, "oh! I was wondering if he had a treasure box and what might be in it! See, Crash? I got this pretty pink bracelet. Next time, I'll get you the soldier guy I saw in there".
Crash leaned forward and said, "Mommy? Can I go in there with her? I don't want her to be in there all alone. ". I said, "Oh, buddy, you can't be in there when they're doing it, you aren't allowed. You'll probably stay home with one of us while the other one goes to be with Princess." His voice started trembling and he said, "but I have to, I just have to. What if she's scared?" I looked back and his face had gone pale and there were tears in his eyes. Of course, that set off my waterworks. I explained that she wouldn't know anything while she was under and when it was over, she'd wake up in recovery with me by her side. He settled down a bit, but I heard him whisper in her ear, "I'll be there, Princess. I'll be there in the waiting room when you wake up. I won't let you be alone."

Grown-ups Can Learn Lessons, Too

" A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." Proverbs 15:1.

This verse is one that has always stuck in the forefront of my mind and I've always tried to utilize it when I'm faced with conflict with another person. It has always worked. I've even had it used on me when I get in a snit over something and my calm, rational, even-tempered (wonderful) husband keeps his cool and talks me down from whatever's gotten me all wound up.

I try to always be as decent as I can to people- "treat others as you'd like to be treated, right?". It's usually not hard. I was blessed with my mom's extra-long fuse, but I definitely have my dad's hot temper. Not many people have been witness to my temper and I'd prefer it to stay that way. I usually seethe in silence over personal slights and then get over it, but there are a few things that can circumvent that long fuse and have me seeing red instantly. The main one is when I feel my children are being threatened. Nobody messes with my kids, period. I know I'm not alone in that, but I know that being so quick to anger isn't a good thing, either.
This morning started like most weekday mornings for us, I stumbled into the kitchen to pour my coffee and get breakfast for the kids so they could get started on school. I realized that the woodsmoke I'd smelled the night before had gotten MUCH stronger. We have a few neighbors that burn wood for heat, so I hadn't thought much of it then, but it was so strong, I looked out the window. The property next to us had three very large bonfires going and the wind was blowing the smoke right across our pasture and toward our house. I made sure all the windows were shut up tight and we tried to get into our day, but before long, the house was all smoky and it was just over-whelming. It was making me nauseous and Princess started saying her head hurt. I probably could've dealt with it if it were just me, but I thought, "if it's making me feel this awful, what's it doing to my kids?". I got annoyed. We tried to ignore it but before long, Goober had a headache, too and my throat was sore and my lungs were feeling tight. I decided enough was enough and told the kids to all take quick showers and get dressed. I decided we would pack up our schoolbooks and drive somewhere upwind to do our schoolwork. It was a pretty nice day for January and we couldn't stay here. As we were going out to the car, I realized all that smoke was blowing right over our dogs' enclosure. They were burrowed under their doghouse trying to stay out of it. Now, our dogs are Huskies and are very strong. I can't handle both their leashes at once, so I figured I'd just leash them and bring them inside the house one at a time where the smoke wasn't as bad. I got the leash on Lily and was bringing her up when Kody nosed the gate open and took off like a shot. He was just a fading spot in the distance by the time my oldest son and I reached the end of the driveway. We ran after him and searched for about half an hour all the while inhaling much more smoke than we had been inside the house. I finally called to Goober and had him come back up to the house. At this point, I was angry and frustrated. I called my husband at work to let him know what was happening and then got the kids in the car to go search for Kody. As we were pulling away, Princess yelled, "there he is! " He had come back up the back way and was on our porch. I grabbed his collar and hugged him all the while yelling at him. I put him in the house and emailed my husband to let him know and then I packed a quick lunch for the kids and we left. Originally, I'd had every intention of just driving somewhere quiet so the kids could work, but by this point, I was angry and looking for someone to take it out on. Who better than the one who'd started this whole mess??? I jumped in the car and pulled into the nearest driveway that looked like it would give me access back to where the fires were. The owner of the house was outside and I got out to talk to him. It wasn't on his property, but the property adjacent that happened to wind back behind his. He was very kind and sympathetic and suggested I call the fire dept. to get a complaint on record. His whole demeanor was like a balm on a red-hot burn and I calmed down considerably after taking to him. I went back home to call and discovered my husband already had... and had been told to call the town supervisor. My temper started to rise again- a run-around! My husband called then and told me he'd talked to the town supervisor (whom he actually knows a little) and she said there was nothing that could be done because the permit wasn't issued by the town, it had been issued by the DEP. Her house is down-wind, too and she told him she understood, but her hands were tied. GRRR! I decided we still needed to leave the house because it wasn't letting up. As I began driving, I once again felt compelled to give the person/s responsible a piece of my mind. This time, I pulled in to the construction site, as far as I could and sat. I thought about getting out and walking right up to his Bobcat, but there was a stream to cross. I had no good way of getting over there. Instead, I sat in my car and shot what I hoped were lethal death looks his way while trying to get the kids to work. He looked up a few times. I know he saw me, but continued to feed trees and brush to the fires. I felt my jaw clench. He was ignoring me!!! We sat there for about half an hour before I decided I needed to focus on the kids' schoolwork. We drove down the road a ways and finally found a quiet place with plenty of fresh air. My chest was still tight and I sat and seethed.
A couple of hours later, it was time to head into the town where my husband works to meet him for dinner since going home wasn't an option. On the way, I noticed the man's truck was now parked up where I had sat only a couple of hours previously. I pulled in next to his truck and thought, "it's getting dark, he'll have to quit soon and if he wants to get into his truck, he'll have to talk to me". Once again, I sat and stared. Again, he looked up several times but then went right back to feeding the fires. Finally, he turned the Bobcat and slowly began coming our way. He got closer and closer until he was up on level ground with our vehicles. He drove straight at me, staring me down through his cab. I thought, "he's playing chicken! Fine, buddy, I'M not moving!" He stopped very close to my car and brought the bucket down about two feet from my windshield. He slowwwly climbed down out of the cab. I opened my door. I heard Crash say, "what's she doing?!". Princess said, "she's going to give that man a piece of her mind." I looked back at my kids and all three of them wore identical expressions, they were worried. I felt a twinge of guilt for dragging them into my fight. He was walking toward me and drawled, "what can I do for you, young lady?" He looked like my grandpa. He looked like somebody's grandpa. Just a kind old man. I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest. I said, "Hi, I'm your neighbor- white house, green roof". I jerked my thumb in a general "north" direction. He looked at me and shrugged. I said, "right there, that white house? It's full of smoke, and so are my kids". He drawled, "I don't doubt it". I tried again, "Can you give me an idea of when you're going to be done burning all that stuff? I'm home with my kids all day and our house is full of smoke. We had to leave, it's just too much". He said again, "I don't doubt it. I figured I'd hear from someone today. The wind wasn't blowin' yesterday, but it sure is today. Today. Today's the last day. It'll burn itself out tonight and then it's done. I won't be back". I realized then he had probably just been contracted out to do it. He wasn't even the property owner. I started to thaw a little bit. I said, "thank you. I'm sorry, it's just that my kids... ". Then I started to choke up (I hate that!). His expression softened. He no longer looked defensive. He said, "I understand, I got kids myself. I was just doin' my job and I'm done after today". I stood there with stupid tears in my eyes, unable to talk and just looked at him. He said, "I knew there was an angry young lady sitting up here. You should've come 'n talked to me." I threw my hands up and said, 'I would have, but I didn't know how to get across that stupid stream!!". He laughed and squeezed my shoulder and said, "so you won't hold it against me? You're not still mad at me?" All the wind went out of my sails and I smiled and said, "no, and thank you". He squeezed my shoulder again and said, "alright, then, young lady, you have a good rest of your day". I waved and said, "thank you, you, too". When I turned around to walk back to my car, all three of my kids were smiling. As we drove away, Princess said, "see, Mommy?! He was really a nice man! You just needed to talk to him." How much smoother would my day have gone if I had just gone directly to him in the first place instead of continuing to work myself into a bigger and bigger lather?
My kids didn't get much of their schoolwork done, today, but this Mommy learned a valuable lesson. Remember to be slow to anger and try to remember to give people the benefit of the doubt. Perceived injustices are often just that- perceived.

Goober's Story

Eleven years ago today, my life changed forever. I became someone's mother. I was young, just 21, but I wasn't scared. I was ready and I'd been looking forward to it almost my whole life. Josh and I had married only fifteen months before, and Josh was still in college. Most people wouldn't consider our situation ideal, and it was hard, but Goober has brought us so much joy, I wouldn't trade those early years for anything.
I still remember the excitement when I first began to suspect I might be pregnant. I've always just known with each of our three kids. It was still too early to test, but I couldn't wait. I took the test in the morning and it came up negative. I was half disgusted that it wasn't positive and half relieved that it wasn't. I tossed it into the wastebasket and covered it with some tissue and left for work. Much later that night after working my two full-time jobs, I came home and couldn't help but check again. This time, it read positive! I knew better than to get excited, but I couldn't help it. I think I called and begged my mom to grab another test for me. She brought one over and it came up positive right away. Waiting for Josh to walk in the door was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I was so impatient! I think I tried a few times to read and couldn't. I re-positioned the test on the end table several hundred times. Finally, I heard his key in the lock and got a serious case of butterflies. I was sitting cross-legged on the couch with the test behind me when he walked in. He looked so exhausted after a full day of school and work. I had a moment of, "what am I doing?!" My face must've given me away. He looked at me and said, "what?". Everything I'd rehearsed in my head flew right out and I just handed him the test. He took it and stared at it for a second and I started to get nervous, but when he looked up, he had the goofiest grin on his face. We were thrilled, but it meant some hard decisions. We knew that we wouldn't be able to keep paying rent on our duplex when the baby came and I stayed home with him. A few months later, we moved into a bedroom in my parents' house. A few months after that, Josh was getting ready to get out for a much needed break. I think he and his best friend were going to drive out to his friends' family cottage on the river and just blow off steam. Earlier that day, I'd begun to suspect that labor had started, but I didn't say anything until Josh came home and then got ready to head back out. My dad let him borrow his beeper just in case and they left. About half an hour later, it became VERY clear that I was definitely in labor. I called my Dr. and they told me to come on in since I was at the point of no return. I felt bad about calling him back, when they probably hadn't even made it halfway out there, but I did and he showed up a little while later. I don't think it had quite sunk in for Josh, yet, he was very calm and nonchalant, but his friend on the other hand, lol, got a little nervous. He hustled us into his car and got us to the hospital in good time. I don't remember much of the next couple of hours, I'm assuming it was just the normal check-in and getting settled business, but I DO remember them determining that things weren't progressing fast enough for their liking, so they started a pitocin drip. Oh, if I only knew then what I knew now, I would've told her to back herself right back out of my room with that bag of pure, concentrated evil! I also remember that night. Turns out, Goober was head-down like he should've been, but he was facing backwards- which meant viscious back labor. Back labor is hard to describe, but the closest I can come is- it's like a massive charley horse in your lower back. I didn't feel anything in front, it was all in the back. Needless to say, it made for a long sleepless night. No matter how many times a nurse would come in and admonish me to get some rest, it wasn't happenin'. I lay there staring at the ceiling, gritting my teeth with tears streaming down my face. Josh wasn't having any problems sleeping at all. He was stretched out in the chair in the corner snoring. Well, I wasn't in the best of moods. I (unreasonably) figured that if I had to suffer, so did he. I called his name a few times, but he was out cold. I took my pillow and threw it at him. He only woke up enough to take the pillow and stick it behind his head and then resumed his snoring. So, I lay there the rest of the night in pain and with no pillow!! ;). Sometime the next morning, I had progressed enough for them to okay an epidural. I had been on the fence, but after the night I'd had, I just wanted a few minutes of relief. Well, that was when I learned the lesson, "if it seems too good to be true...". The anesthesiologist came in and began poking that long needle around in my back. He hit several nerves. It feels like an electric shock going through your whole body with each nerve that gets hit. He finally got it in, but I didn't notice much difference. There was a little pain relief, but I still felt sensation, even though they told me I shouldn't be able to. Why do they ask you a question and then tell you your answer is impossible?! Anyway, to this day, I still have some nerve damage from it. Every now and then, I'll get a jolt that feels just like it did when he was poking around in there. It only lasts a second or two, but it definitely stops me in my tracks. A few hours later, Goober was ready to make his entrance. Right before, I felt something that felt really weird. I said, "what was THAT?!" They looked up startled and said, "you felt that?!" I said, "yes" and she laughed and said, "your baby just flipped himself over!". Right in time to be delivered :). About one-twenty in the afternoon on Wednesday, October 11, 2000, Ethan Joseph made his entrance. He weighed seven pounds, five ounces and was perfect in every way. Even though he had a wrinkled little newborn face, anyone could see right away that he was a miniature of Josh. "Love at first sight" doesn't even begin to explain it. I couldn't stop looking at him and hated handing him over to anyone. He's been a wonderful, amazing son who has blessed our lives in so many ways and we wouldn't have done anything differently. Happy 11th Birthday, Ethan, we love you!

Princess's Story

This is Princess's story.

Seven years ago today, my sweet baby girl was born. We were both over-joyed when we found out we were having a girl as we knew she'd be our last child after having two boys. I hated the color pink, but couldn't wait to dress her in tiny little dresses and frilly headbands (wouldn't you know, her favorite color ended up being pink). I looked forward to having a "buddy" in the house. Someone to pass my love of gardening and Anne of Green Gables and cooking onto. Our house had been snips and snails and puppy dog tails for almost four years. The day Princess was born, she added a softness to our home that hadn't been there before. I had never been a "girly-girl", but somehow, even being pregnant with Princess had softened me a little, too.
Each of my boys had made their entrance in completely unique way, and Princess did, too.
I woke up on the morning of September 24th and felt a little "off". I chalked it up to being nine months pregnant, as big as a house and being the very tired mommy of two insanely busy little boys. I attempted to eat breakfast, but it didn't want to stay put. I made some chamomile tea instead but that didn't stay put, either. A warning bell went off in the back of my mind, but I shook it off and went about my day- I had a lot to do. I baby-sat for my neighbor's girls while she was at work and when she dropped the girls off, she looked at me funny and said, "remember, if you need me to watch the boys when you have the baby, it doesn't matter what time of day or night, just bring them over". I politely thanked her, but knew I'd never have the nerve to pound on her door in the middle of the night and hand her the boys. We went about our day and lunch didn't agree with me, either. By mid-afternoon, I started feeling very anxious. I know I knew what was going on, but I didn't want to acknowledge it because I felt like I had too much to do, still, so, I denied it instead. Because that always holds off the inevitable :::roll eyes::: . I made dinner, got the boys fed and as evening approached, I got a horrible nagging back-ache. At this point, there was no mistaking that I was in labor and had been all day. Still, I couldn't quite admit it. I knew I should call my mom and sister to make the hour and a half drive to be with the boys, but I didn't want to bother them if it was a false alarm and continued to put it off. Eventually, I began having some pretty strong contractions. I continued to flit around nervously doing pointless busy-work. Eventually, about eleven that night, I could no longer deny reality. My contractions were so bad I couldn't stand up straight or talk through them. I finally called my mom and sister and decided to take a shower before going to the hospital. Hard to do doubled over and gritting your teeth in pain. Eventually, Josh got nervous and I called my doctor. He told me to head on over and we woke the boys up and drove the two and a half blocks to the hospital to wait there for my mom and sister to come get the boys. I remember the car-ride vividly. I wasn't very nice when my husband hit the pot holes in the street. I may have hit him. We walked into admission and the elderly volunteer looked up, saw me bent over at the waist and hopped up to get me a wheelchair. I insisted I could make it on my own two feet, but just then, another contraction hit and the wheelchair suddenly looked wonderful. He wheeled me up while Josh dealt with the boys. Eventually, we were all settled in, me on the bed and Josh and our two very sleepy, very bewildered boys in a hospital recliner. About twelve-thirty in the morning, I looked over and felt horrible for dragging the boys out of their nice, warm beds and bringing them to the hospital, so I told Josh to take them on home to wait for my mom and sister there. I kissed my babies good-bye and lay back to stare at the clock. About that time, things really kicked into high gear. I'd had epidurals with both my boys (HORRIBLE, AWFUL experiences) and decided I didn't want to do it again, so it got a little intense at one point. It's not that the pain was unbearable, but I think it was more just the intensity of everything, a way of coping. It was probably transition. Anyway, at one point, I screamed. The doctor chastised me and told me to keep it down because I'd scare the other mothers laboring in other rooms. I looked right at him and screamed again. I have no idea where it came from, because that is not me at ALL, but he left me alone after that and I was okay after that. About twenty minutes after Josh had left, and about four pushes later, Caroline Elizabeth Anne made her entrance into the world on September 25th, 2004 at one in the morning. The nurse handed me the phone and asked if I'd like to call my husband. He answered and I said, "Hey, would you like to come meet your daughter?" He said, "you're kidding". People ask me if I was upset that Josh wasn't there for the birth, and the answer is an emphatic NO because I'd have hated for him to have seen me behaving like that!! My mom and sister got there shortly after and he came to meet his daughter. As I was holding her, she did the strangest thing. She reached up with both little fists and rubbed her eyes, like she had total control and meant to do it. To this day, I'm convinced she did. :). I felt so great after her delivery that I wanted to hop down, take my daughter and head home. That was a first. If I could do it all over again, I'd have had all my babies naturally. The difference is like night and day. Of course, they weren't too keen on the idea, so we had to stay put the requisite two days, but the day I came home, I felt great.
Princess has been a ray of sunshine in our house since day one. It doesn't make sense, but looking down into her face, I had the overwhelming sense that I'd just given birth to my own best friend. I still feel that way. She was such a happy, sweet baby and she still is now as a big seven-year old girl. We're so blessed to have her in our family. Happy 7th Birthday, Baby Girl!!

Ten Years Later; Explaining September 11th to My Kids.

We're coming up on the ten-year anniversary of September 11th.
Today started out as just another school day for us. The kids were working away and then Goober came up to ask me a question and then he noticed I was reading a story about the ten-year anniversary observances that were taking place. I've explained it to him before and he asked if that's what they were talking about. I said yes and before long, Crash and Princess were crowded around the computer asking what we were talking about. I decided to take a detour and explain it to them. They're all old enough now and it was a moment in our history when our country changed forever. Just in their lifetimes, so much has changed. The innocence that existed in America until that first plane hit is gone forever. I believe children are more capable of understanding than we give them credit for. If my kids ask me about something, I'm honest with them. I keep it age-appropriate, but I answer their questions.
I explained the background and then we watched the news footage on YouTube. We sat here for three hours, watching footage and talking. I noticed they were going through the same emotions those of us who were alive and watching it that day went through. At first, shock and disbelief. Then, sadness for all those innocent people who lost their lives- those in the planes and in the buildings, and the firefighters. The firefighters who died really affected Crash. Then, anger and wanting retaliation, which brought in the whole aspect of the war we've been fighting since. Then, a feeling of wanting to DO something.
Watching the footage all over again brings all those feelings right back up to the surface. I had tears streaming down my face almost the whole time. Princess did, too, once she fully grasped what had happened. Seeing it through Crash and Princess's eyes as they watched it for the first time was heart-breaking. Princess reacted much the same way I had ten years ago. She just sat and sobbed in my arms. Crash, on the other hand, almost vibrated with helpless frustration and indignation and wanting to teach the terrorists a lesson. Goober watched almost stoically. He sat silently watching the footage with a grim look on his face. He's seen it before and knew what was going to happen. He's what some people call an "old soul". He understands a lot more about the world and human nature than a lot of kids his age. He shoulders it well, though.
They asked me what I remember about that day. I feel like I've shared it a hundred times, but never with the younger two.
Just like everyone else says, it was a beautiful September day. The sky was so clear and blue it almost hurt your eyes. It was Goober's eleven month birthday that day and the sun was shining. I remember just this feeling of "all is right with the world". I think that made it even worse after the fact. Josh had left for school and I was up and around early cleaning the apartment while Goober played. I remember opening the sliding glass door to our balcony to let in the beautiful breeze and thinking it was such a peaceful morning that I didn't want to have the t.v. on ruining it. Normally, I'd pop in a Veggie Tales video to distract Goober while I worked, but not that morning. I was expecting a visitor and when she knocked on the door, it sounded frantic. I opened the door and her face was white as a sheet. I said, "what?". She walked in and said, "have you heard?! Someone flew a plane into the World Trade Center, they think it was terrorists! Quick, turn on your t.v.!" I honestly didn't even know WHAT the World Trade Center was back then. Sure, I'd heard the words, but I didn't understand that there were thousands of people in the buildings. I think I'd always thought it was a monument, or something. I turned the t.v. on and didn't have a hard time finding it- we used rabbit ears and only had a few channels and it was on almost every one. We both sank down onto the couch and stared. When we saw the second plane hit, Susie gave a little scream and I remember my hands going up to my mouth. I'm not sure how long I sat there like that, but it must've been a long time. After the first tower collapsed, it hit me. I grabbed Goober and held him tight, nuzzling his little baby head and smelling his just-shampooed hair for comfort. At some point, she left. Somewhere in the back of my mind, everything started fitting together and I became very worried for Josh at school. Purdue is an engineering school and nobody knew just what this attack was going to entail, what they were going to go after. The news anchors and experts they were interviewing were talking about bombs and chemical warfare and... . That was back before we had cell phones and I had no way of getting ahold of him. I spent the day glued to the news, pacing my apartment, holding my baby and crying. I felt caged up, but didn't want to leave the apartment because I was scared of what might be coming next. When Josh came home later that night like nothing had happened, I wanted to both smack and hug him. I was furious with him for letting me worry all day, but so relieved to have him home. I remember feeling like a caged animal for weeks- especially after all the anthrax attacks started. Nobody knew what was next or how long it was going to last. I was restless, but I was afraid to go out in public. Some of that remains to this day. I've never been a fan of crowds, but I absolutely hate them now. To this day, I will not take my kids anywhere there's a huge crowd gathered. Some would say it's crazy and unreasonable, but in my way of thinking, it's safer.
The kids spent a few minutes asking questions and I did the best I could to answer them. Then, their faces changed. It was almost as if I could see their brains had finished absorbing and filing everything away and needed an outlet to deal with it all. As if reading each other's thoughts, Crash and Princess both ran upstairs and put on the most patriotic shirts they own (something Goober did the first time he learned about it, too) and then out came the paper and crayons. They drew feverishly for a good forty-five minutes. American flags were the common theme, but they also drew pictures of soldiers fighting the terrorists. Then, once again, almost simultaneously, it was over. They quietly hung their artwork up in prominent places around the house and drifted back into the school room. They're now finishing up their school work. It's almost as if they silently agreed to stop talking about it. I think it's interesting, because although my kids' reactions to everything was lightning fast and abbreviated, isn't how the rest of us reacted when it happened ten years ago? Days and weeks of mourning and then walking on pins and needles and trying to make sense of it all and then... it's almost like we, as a country, just needed to take a break and move on. Every year, we take the time to remember and observe, even re-live it and cry, but then we move on. I don't think we're forgetting, but I think it's healthy to want to move on and live our lives, to not live in constant fear and let the terrorists win. If my kids take away one lesson, that's what I want it to be. This is America. We do not give up and we do not live in fear. They surprised us and knocked our feet out from under us for a time, but we always get back up and keep going. They can be proud to be Americans.
image from: http://dcfans.tv/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/god-bless-america.jpg

When Old and New Collide

My oldest woke me up this morning with "that" look on his face. I know it well. It means, "brace yourself, one or more of us did something stupid and since I'm the oldest, I've been elected spokesman for the group". I struggled to crack my other eye open and said, "what happened?". He winced and his eyes filled up with tears and he brought his hands up to show me my tortilla press. With the top part cracked in half. It's not just "a" tortilla press, it's my great-grandmother's tortilla press and one of my most treasured posessions. I shot up to a sitting-position and started stuttering. "How, what on earth, how, WHY?". He explained that they woke up early and were hungry but wanted to let me sleep a little longer ( this was about 7:30). They decided to each have a couple of slices of wheat bread to snack on- but not just any bread- SMASHED bread. I know my kids aren't the only ones who do this. I remember my sister and I doing it, but we used Wonder bread. You take a piece of bread and fold it and smoosh it up so that it's all chewy and dough-y. They set about making their SMASHED bread and then Crash got a great idea- let's take it up a notch and *really* smash it- using Mommy's tortilla-press. If we can smash it with our fingers, imagine how much BETTER the smashing would be using a piece of equipment with leverage!!! They dragged it out and took their turns, Crash and Princess standing up and putting all their weight on the lever for optimum smashability. When it got to Goober, he went to take his turn, brought the lever down, applied pressure and... CRACK. I can't help but wonder what the looks on their faces must have been when they all realized what happened... and how long they all debated about what to do and who was going to be the bearer of bad news.

I sat there staring at the broken tortilla press, I wanted to yell, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!" but looking at Goober's stricken face, I knew he felt terrible. I wanted to cry, but couldn't. I just sat there. I asked them to all go to their rooms and give me some time. I lay back down and thought of my great-grandmother, of all the times I watched her make tortillas with that press, of how much it reminded me of her when I used it. Then I cried.
Though I loved all four of my grandmas intensely, I felt especially close to my great-grandmother. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because she was the one who baby-sat me almost from the time I was born through my early childhood years, maybe it was because she had an affinity for all the same things I did- growing plants in her tiny patio garden, showing her love through cooking for others, her fierce love for her family... I'm not sure, I just know what I felt for her and still do. She was very strict, but infinintely kind and loving. She carried herself regally, but was absolute salt-of-the-earth and was always doing something for someone. I can't count how many times I accompanied her while she took me through the halls of her apartment building to visit a lonely or ailing neighbor and left a little foil-wrapped package of something behind. Some of my fondest memories are of her happily and efficiently working in her kitchen, the Spanish music station crackling out of her old radio. Every now and then, she'd pass a piece of raw potato over for me to munch on, or peek over and wink. Sometimes, she'd begin humming along to the music, grab me and dance me around her tiny apartment.
She passed away shortly after I had Goober. My grandmother came over with a box of her things and offered them to us. I chose quite a few items. I felt having her things around me would help keep her memory alive and be good conversation starters when my kids were old enough for me to tell them about her. Over the years, several things have been broken in moves or by the kids. Every time, it's like a kick in the stomach and there's always a little mourning on my part. The tortilla press, however, takes it to a whole other level. I'm not mad. I can't be. They know how much it means to me and didn't mean to break it. They're just kids. It's just a THING and my children are more important than THINGS. I am sad. I'm sitting here writing with tears streaming down my face. Every now and then, my kids walk by and I see how wretched they feel.




"IM SRRE" from Princess






I told them I just need some time to "get it out" and I'll be okay. I almost want to laugh at my kids (my kids) tip-toeing around on eggshells. I'm going to retire the cracked tortilla press to a place of honor in my dining room hutch. I suppose in time, the story of how it came to be cracked will allow it to be relevant to my children when it passes to them and they share the stories with their children. I had wondered if they would value my great-grandmother's things the same way I do after I'm gone, if they would take care of them or if they'd be relegated to a box in an attic and forgotten. After all, they never knew and loved her like I did. They've only heard stories. Maybe by adding their own history to the it, it connects five generations in a way that wouldn't have otherwise. I don't know.
I do know I'm going to get another press eventually and I'm going to teach my children how to make tortillas like my grandmother taught me. Even though I treasure that press, it was just a vehicle for memories. I can still share my memories of her with them and we can make plenty of our own. Maybe some day the two presses will sit side-by-side and my kids will share stories of their grandmothers with their children.